I may end up deleting this. This is painfully honest. I’m writing this while I’m upset and I know I should wait until I calm down but the way the past few days have been I am not sure that there IS any calming down. This will be a lengthy post and will deal with the topic of sex and intimacy (not in graphic detail). If that makes you at all uncomfortable please do not read further.
I need to preface this by stating that my husband is a wonderful person. He has supported and loved me-deep flaws and all. I was about 275 pounds when I met him so I was never a small girl by any stretch. I was pretty proportionate though so he honestly had no idea I weighed even that at the time. We had a beautiful romance that felt like it was out of some dumb movie. I was pretty confident and didn’t really have self-esteem issues at that time. I knew I was bigger, but it really hadn’t interfered in my life. My mobility was fine and I never noticed it impacting anything other than what size clothes I wore. He loved loved loved going out to eat. We ate out ALL THE TIME. I never worried about what I put in my body and he didn’t seem too concerned either. He loved me, and definitely loved my curves. We had an amazingly intimate and active sex life for about a year and a half and it stopped pretty abruptly.
But I continued to gain. We got married and I was about 350 pounds. Probably a few pounds more, actually. We still were in love. Very much so…but intimacy was clearly lacking. I blamed it on my anxiety medication. I thought maybe it was killing my drive. I really didn’t feel like I had less of a sex drive but I wasn’t terribly bothered by the fact that we rarely had sex. We were both so busy with our jobs and families and lives. This will be for another post-but long story short I quit my job and have not had a job since for about seven months.
After being out of work for seven months you can’t really come up with the same excuses for why you are barely intimate as a newlywed. He isn’t stressed about my not having a job and he understands the situation. We have enough money to pay our bills and pay for a roof over our head so it isn’t a huge stressor in our lives on a daily basis. The sex just isn’t there.
I talked to him about it very calmly quite a few times. He would typically say something like “There is something wrong with me. It’s not you. I don’t know what is wrong. I will try to be better.” We’d maybe have sex shortly after the discussion but then it’s back to nothing. As of now we have been married a year and I don’t think we’ve had sex even ten times. We have done “other” things once in awhile, but it is ONLY if I initiate, and typically he isn’t too thrilled about it. Again..not like it used to be. I tried to buy sexy lingerie. I read tips online. I tried to keep things fun and interesting but nothing ever helped. I asked repeatedly if it was my weight and he would always say no. Not at all.
The other day I told him I needed to talk about this. I didn’t want to hear the same excuses. “It’s me. Something is wrong with me.” It always rings so hollow. I know it isn’t true. I asked him bluntly. “It is my weight. Isn’t it?” I told him to be honest. It wouldn’t bother me. He said “I can’t be honest. It would crush you.” So that was the only answer I needed. I needed to be alone so I went for a small drive and parked in a vacant parking lot and cried for three hours. When I came back he said he didn’t mean it and that it was something else that was keeping us from intimacy. Once again…hollow words. I knew the truth. My husband no longer finds me sexually attractive.
Boy, that was a pill to swallow. The thing is…he really is a wonderful husband. He has never made me feel like I was ugly or “too fat” for him. He has always been so convincing in his reassurances that I was beautiful that I was honestly pretty blindsided that this was the truth of things. From the outside looking in you would probably think that obviously that was the problem with our sex life. But he honestly never made it feel that way. Just that day I had the first inkling that my size was the problem. He wishes he could take it back. He has tried to talk it away. He has even tried to make it seem like he is really wanting to be intimate with me. But you can’t take those things back. It is how he feels. I can’t be mad at that. He can’t help it. I know he loves me. He is the most wonderfully supportive person I have in my life. It’s just a bit of a crushing blow, I suppose.
It should be said that other than sex, we have a great marriage. We play games together, watch movies, spend a lot of time with each others’ families. Other than this issue, we even have pretty great communication. I hate that this affects me so badly. “It’s just sex.” But it really isn’t. It’s intimacy. It’s one thing that you share with each other and no one else. It is really important to me. I wish it weren’t. I wish I didn’t care. But I do.
I just hope I can lose weight so my husband can be proud of me and think I’m beautiful the way he once did. I want to be healthy. If anything, this is just one more thing to keep me motivated. But it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.