My 400lb Willpower

I always took for granted the fact that my husband was “the strong one” in our relationship. He has always gone to the gym consistently and when he wants to lose a few pounds he will eat a lot healthier and never seems to have a problem with it. I have relied very heavily on him to do our shopping because I felt he had the better willpower and wouldn’t give in to buying unhealthy foods.

Well I guess I forget at times that he is human and he needs encouragement as well. Over the past year he has gained a bit of weight, too. He got up to 275 and now he’s down to 257. He began trying to lose weight again when I started so we were in this together. His willpower is faltering A LOT. I find myself having to try to talk him out of bad choices, which is hard for me because at the same time I’m wanting to give in right along with him. Last night we broke down and ate pizza and ice cream (way too much of each).

Point is, I have been putting too much responsibility on someone else for my choices. If I eat something bad, it’s his fault for not keeping me in check. Or it is someone elses’ fault because they KNOW I’m on a diet. I always took for granted that he was so mentally strong that he wouldn’t have these weaknesses like I did. I now realize fully how like our marriage, this weight loss is a partnership. We have to work together and lift each other up to get each other to the goal. Yet we also must be responsible for our individual choices. Just because he had a moment of weakness doesn’t mean I have to join in.

Willpower has always been so hard from me. Sometimes it is easy and I don’t crave anything bad at all. Other times it is so hard I feel like I am having withdrawals from drugs or something. It is such a serious addiction and it doesn’t just go away. I just have to be strong. And luckily after my binge I didn’t gain anything. But if I keep eating that way I absolutely will. I just have to stay strong.

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Back at it

After a couple of weeks of feeling completely unmotivated and weak and depressed I am finally coming out of it a bit. I have gotten back to exercising and pushing myself and not giving in to temptations. I am so horrible with willpower so I was pretty proud of myself yesterday when I chose to drink a ton of water to try and stop my cravings. It worked and I felt happy I didn’t give in.

This is just part of the process, though. You won’t feel energized all the time or constantly feel like working out. It’s hard but stay strong. I have thankfully now lost the pounds I gained the past couple weeks so I feel I can start fresh once again and keep on working towards my goal.

I know it’s hard but you can do it and so can I. I believe in myself and I believe in you!

Stuck in a Fog

I’ve been a little absent lately. And not just from this blog, but from life. The past few days have felt in slow motion. Like I can barely articulate words because it just takes too much energy. This is the first time I’ve really had the energy to do much of anything-even if that is just typing on the computer. I think I need to go to the doctor and get some medicine changed. I am only on an anti anxiety pill right now and I really really need a mood stabilizer, I think. I used to be on them but I felt horrible all the time so I thought I could just toughen up and get through without. It’s just not enough anymore. I don’t have the energy to get out of bed, much less exercise.

I’m so tired all the time. I slept last night from 9pm to 2:30 pm today. And I still feel wiped out. This is definitely not good for my health, metabolism, and state of mind. It can be hard to admit you need some additional help. You want to feel in control of yourself. You wish the attitude that so many have of “being able to control your mindset with positive thinking” actually applied to you. But it doesn’t. When your mental health is good you can absolutely benefit from positive thinking. But sometimes you just need a little tweaking.

Just felt like I should update because it feels good to get these things out. I can’t really tell anyone in my life other than my husband (and that’s just because he lives with me and isn’t stupid). My family is amazing and loving but they all have their own problems and my mom has awful anxiety and I don’t like to worry her. So I just keep on moving. I am going to try to at least get a workout in today. I know I will feel much better for it.

My 400lb Marriage…Continued

Thank you very much to you guys that commented on my last entry. They made me feel really good about making that post. It was a very difficult thing to write as it is something that I haven’t shared with anyone other than my husband ever before. I am a very closed off person and I never really talk about my feelings with anyone.

I am glad I left my emotions a little unchecked and put it out there. I can’t imagine how many partners feel alone in this. I am happy that I let others know they aren’t alone. That this is normal and it does NOT mean your partner doesn’t love you. One reason it is so hard to talk about is because people try to convince you that there is nothing wrong with you and it is all your partner’s fault. That they aren’t a good person. That they don’t deserve you or they don’t actually love you. And you are the one in your relationship. You know how your day to day life is. You know if your significant other makes an effort to show you how loved you are. And my husband without a doubt is madly in love with me.

But you know what…we are all biologically conditioned to find a healthy looking partner attractive. And I don’t look healthy.  Because I am sick. I am slowly getting better and I am not going to stay this way forever. Every pound lost my husband praises me for my HEALTH. He doesn’t make me feel like he only cares about my appearance. Things are going to change. I feel a lot better after writing about it. It felt really therapeutic, actually. I feel kind of cleansed and like I’m ready to start over. I talked to my husband about my post and he was glad that I am able to be open about my feelings a little more. He’s glad we can talk about this. I am happy too. I am still lucky to have someone so wonderful. Despite all my flaws, he thinks he is the lucky one.

Don’t let anyone define your relationship for you. And don’t lie…there are probably things about your other half that you aren’t wild about. So don’t be so hard on yourself if you are in my situation. Sure, it sucks. It really does. But that doesn’t mean your marriage/partnership sucks. No matter what you look like, you are going to have struggles in your relationship. This is just mine and I am working to change it like I would any other problem.

Just remember…no matter your struggle you are NOT alone. I have found that people on here are pretty wonderful. Thank you all for your support!

My 400lb Marriage…

I may end up deleting this. This is painfully honest. I’m writing this while I’m upset and I know I should wait until I calm down but the way the past few days have been I am not sure that there IS any calming down. This will be a lengthy post and will deal with the topic of sex and intimacy (not in graphic detail). If that makes you at all uncomfortable please do not read further.

I need to preface this by stating that my husband is a wonderful person. He has supported and loved me-deep flaws and all. I was about 275 pounds when I met him so I was never a small girl by any stretch. I was pretty proportionate though so he honestly had no idea I weighed even that at the time. We had a beautiful romance that felt like it was out of some dumb movie. I was pretty confident and didn’t really have self-esteem issues at that time. I knew I was bigger, but it really hadn’t interfered in my life. My mobility was fine and I never noticed it impacting anything other than what size clothes I wore. He loved loved loved going out to eat. We ate out ALL THE TIME. I never worried about what I put in my body and he didn’t seem too concerned either. He loved me, and definitely loved my curves. We had an amazingly intimate and active sex life for about a year and a half and it stopped pretty abruptly.

But I continued to gain. We got married and I was about 350 pounds. Probably a few pounds more, actually. We still were in love. Very much so…but intimacy was clearly lacking. I blamed it on my anxiety medication. I thought maybe it was killing my drive. I really didn’t feel like I had less of a sex drive but I wasn’t terribly bothered by the fact that we rarely had sex. We were both so busy with our jobs and families and lives. This will be for another post-but long story short I quit my job and have not had a job since for about seven months.

After being out of work for seven months you can’t really come up with the same excuses for why you are barely intimate as a newlywed. He isn’t stressed about my not having a job and he understands the situation. We have enough money to pay our bills and pay for a roof over our head so it isn’t a huge stressor in our lives on a daily basis. The sex just isn’t there.

I talked to him about it very calmly quite a few times. He would typically say something like “There is something wrong with me. It’s not you. I don’t know what is wrong. I will try to be better.” We’d maybe have sex shortly after the discussion but then it’s back to nothing. As of now we have been married a year and I don’t think we’ve had sex even ten times. We have done “other” things once in awhile, but it is ONLY if I initiate, and typically he isn’t too thrilled about it. Again..not like it used to be. I tried to buy sexy lingerie. I read tips online. I tried to keep things fun and interesting but nothing ever helped. I asked repeatedly if it was my weight and he would always say no. Not at all.

The other day I told him I needed to talk about this. I didn’t want to hear the same excuses. “It’s me. Something is wrong with me.” It always rings so hollow. I know it isn’t true. I asked him bluntly. “It is my weight. Isn’t it?” I told him to be honest. It wouldn’t bother me. He said “I can’t be honest. It would crush you.” So that was the only answer I needed. I needed to be alone so I went for a small drive and parked in a vacant parking lot and cried for three hours. When I came back he said he didn’t mean it and that it was something else that was keeping us from intimacy. Once again…hollow words. I knew the truth. My husband no longer finds me sexually attractive.

Boy, that was a pill to swallow. The thing is…he really is a wonderful husband. He has never made me feel like I was ugly or “too fat” for him. He has always been so convincing in his reassurances that I was beautiful that I was honestly pretty blindsided that this was the truth of things. From the outside looking in you would probably think that obviously that was the problem with our sex life. But he honestly never made it feel that way. Just that day I had the first inkling that my size was the problem. He wishes he could take it back. He has tried to talk it away. He has even tried to make it seem like he is really wanting to be intimate with me. But you can’t take those things back. It is how he feels. I can’t be mad at that. He can’t help it. I know he loves me. He is the most wonderfully supportive person I have in my life. It’s just a bit of a crushing blow, I suppose.

It should be said that other than sex, we have a great marriage. We play games together, watch movies, spend a lot of time with each others’ families. Other than this issue, we even have pretty great communication. I hate that this affects me so badly. “It’s just sex.” But it really isn’t. It’s intimacy. It’s one thing that you share with each other and no one else. It is really important to me. I wish it weren’t. I wish I didn’t care. But I do.

I just hope I can lose weight so my husband can be proud of me and think I’m beautiful the way he once did. I want to be healthy. If anything, this is just one more thing to keep me motivated. But it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

My 400lb Battle With Mental Illness

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I am 400 pounds and also suffer from severe depression/Bipolar Disorder. I think one thing that is very much misunderstood is that my weight didn’t have a big impact on my depression as much as my depression caused an impact on my weight.

I have struggled with this illness since I was a child. It has never been easy and there was never any “trigger” that sparked my behavior and illness. It is ingrained in me and it will always be a part of me. Just to clear up any misconceptions-there are different types of Bipolar along with different symptoms. I do not have euphoria. Ever. My mania is along the lines of very increased irritability and uncontrollable bouts of rage. I am hyper, but irritated and mad. Not euphoric. On the other end is just extreme bouts of depression. I feel the depression more so than the mania. And as a child one of my main coping mechanisms was to eat.

The things you do as kids really have a profound impact on your life as an adult. I have never been good at coping and that is the only way I know how. I have tried therapy but it has never helped as far as coping mechanisms. I do take medication but it does not “fix” you. So I am still stuck trying to figure out how to cope. I tend to use video games as a huge escape. That’s not really healthy either.

I have no point to this post other than to share my struggles. I don’t have any answers right now. I am stuck trying to dig myself out of the hole I am in. Trying to do it in a healthy way. There is so much more I could say but my thoughts feel way too muddled to express myself coherently. I guess this post is just to help you get to know me a little better. It’s not an excuse for my situation. Just a little background.

One thing I WILL say is that cliches are right on. Exercise really does help you feel better. I have felt happier for the most part since starting to exercise and drink a lot of water. It feels cleansing for the soul. The hardest part is just getting motivated to do it. It is so hard to fight the battle raging within you to do something as simple as get out of bed and work out. But a 30 minute exercise first thing when you do manage to get out of bed can make a world of difference for the rest of your day.

I believe in all of you. I know you can do this! I know I can do this. I just need to believe in myself, too.

Thank you all!

You guys have been so encouraging and have been a really great source of inspiration when I’m feeling like I did yesterday. I didn’t want to do anything, but I read your comments and somehow mustered up the energy to work out and I felt so much better.

Thank you all so much for your support!